BIZ Online NGLCC

Being True to Yourself at Work and in Life

By Christie Hardwick

Hello BIZ readers! Thank you for your outpouring of questions, comments and ideas on how we can evolve our conversation. We are interested in hearing more from you—about the concerns you have in the workplace with employees or colleagues, and about how you manage to balance your work and life roles. Please send your questions into the editor@lgbtbiz.com. We'd love to hear from you!

Now here are two questions that we found intriguing. There will be more to come too—keep writing!

Q. I work in an LGBT-owned business with many LGBT employees, but I often feel that I'm not "gay enough" for the group. I feel that I somehow have to be as committed to LGBT causes as my boss and my colleagues, but I don't feel it. I have a partner and we're happy as we are. We don't participate in the community and don't want to. How can I remain who I am without feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to be gay enough?

A. I feel you. As an African-American, Native American lesbian, I'm not enough of anything for anybody! I'm only enough for me. But let's get on to answering your question.

Every organization has its own culture. Sometimes the culture is thoughtfully constructed and sometimes it "just happens." When a culture "just happens" it takes on the character of whatever ideas the influence leaders assert.

In this case it sounds like one of the prevailing ideas in your workplace is that being gay means you need to be an activist. It also sounds like you are demonstrating another way to be gay: being in a loving relationship with a partner and living your lives together. I don't know the extent to which you are open about your relationship, but if you are open with your family, friends, community, spiritual center or anyone else important to you, that is another way you are "being gay."

Without knowing the specifics of the interactions at your job work that you have perceived as pressure, let me ask some questions that I believe might apply to you. For example, are people asking you to donate to a cause? If someone asks you to make a donation, you can thank them for bringing the opportunity to your attention and let them know what is true for you.

What is true for you? Do you believe in giving service and not money? Do you believe in giving within your own family? Do you believe that being the best person you can be is your gift? Are you already committed to a cause and donate privately to it?

When (or if) you disclose your truth, you give your colleagues an opportunity to know you and your perspective. This goes for any request of your time, talent or treasure.

On a final note, if "participating in the gay community" carries currency within your organization's culture, you may decide that it is not the right place for you. On the other hand if your love of the work is greater than your discomfort, I suggest you find a way to establish that what you give to the organization through your work is good enough—and so are you!

Q: How can I strike a balance—at work and in outside of it—between diversity and unity? That is, how can I proudly express myself as a lesbian, yet not set myself apart in a fierce way from my colleagues, family and non-LGBT friends? I don't want to assimilate, but I also don't want to alienate anyone or feel alienated myself.

A: First, I want to acknowledge that you have the desire and awareness that "more" of you can show up in your workplace and your community. Those parts of us that remain unexpressed take up energy when we have to manage them instead of using their energy to be creative and innovative in our work and life.

You seem to assume that diversity and unity are opposing energies, and that too much of one means less of the other. I would ask you to consider a third option—that diversity can unify. Where there is more diversity there is more creativity, innovation and wealth. This "wealth," or value, benefits everyone, and everyone can be unified in their desire to achieve and enjoy success.

Another way that unity is created alongside of diversity is having a very clear and compelling vision that is shared. With a clear and compelling vision individuals are able to be themselves and give their best gifts to move that vision forward. Each person's unique contribution is necessary and valuable. In terms of friends and family, your willingness to be yourself and celebrate it invites others to do the same.

The second assumption is that you might "set yourself apart in a fierce way." This sounds a lot like "maybe I'll be too much, maybe it will feel too strong, maybe I shouldn't stand out so much." It's worthwhile to examine where these ideas of not setting yourself apart come from. Ralph Waldo Emerson is often quoted as saying "imitation is suicide." It's a very strong statement but what he meant is that being anything less than your full self is not good for you, and that the "death" of your complete unique and vibrant self deprives your community of your gifts as well.

The third assumption you have is that you can alienate others or make them feel alienated. How others respond to your authentic expression is a choice they are making. Your decision to feel alienated is yours.

It comes down to what you believe about yourself and your inherent value. Are you good enough? Are you valuable just for who you are? Is your point of view yours? You can express who you are proudly and without setting yourself apart because there is only one you. As you are counseling or coaching others that are coming up alongside you, would you tell them to take care not to be too much of themselves in case it alienates someone? I don't think so. I think you'd tell them to shine in the only way they can, take their risks, make mistakes, learn fast and win big.